HOW TO HELP A FRIEND: WHAT’S HELPFUL, WHAT’S NOT

WHAT’S HELPFUL:

Not taking your friend’s eating disorder/disordered eating personally. Like addictions of all kinds, eating disorders and disordered eating are coping mechanisms for underlying issues inherent in your friend’s life. She may not even be aware what it is that is bothering her. That is where you, as a friend can help.

Have a conversation. Talking with your friend about what’s bothering her is tricky and needs to be embarked upon in a delicate way. If you begin by accusing your friend of hurting herself, she will inevitably resist engaging in a conversation. She may even react by becoming angry, denying she has a problem and/or isolating herself from her friends. You might begin by talking about your own life first and then, perhaps, your friend may feel safe enough to talk about her own.

Be patient. It is important that you understand that talking about intimate issues does not happen over night. If you establish a relationship in which your friend feels trusting and safe, she will, in her own time, talk to you about what’s bothering her.

Create a safe space. Life on campus can be busy and privacy can be scarce. Extend yourself to your friend by taking her off campus. Often getting away can create a different perspective as well as a distraction. Go for a walk. Go for tea. These activities present ideal opportunities for conversation. Going to a movie or going shopping, while not events that allow much room for dialogue, can also be therapeutic in their own right by allowing for a mental “vacation.” It is important to note that safe spaces are usually those that are not around food. Restaurants, hall teas and the campus dining halls are not safe spaces.

Become aware of language distortion. For a person with an eating disorder, one word or phrase has a dozen meanings. If you say to her “You look healthy,” she may hear You look fat. Be aware of how she may interpret your words and try to avoid appearance-related conversation.

Remember that you are not your friend’s nutritionist. But Mimi Murray can be. Contact mmurray@brynmawr.edu or (610) 526-7417.

Remember that you are not your friend’s therapist. But a Bryn Mawr College counselor can be. Contact the Health Center (610) 526-7360.

Get support and awareness for you. Contact Molly Ahrens at MollyHeart@aol.com or Frani Pollack at franisp@yahoo.com for information and schedules concerning Body Image Council events and the weekly Body Image Support Group.

WHAT’S NOT HELPFUL:

Negatively commenting on food. At college, when we socialize it’s usually around food. These times (hall teas, meal times) are particularly uncomfortable and awkward for your friend—and they can potentially become awkward for you as her friend. In the dining hall, especially, it is impossible to ignore what your friend is eating (or not eating) by what she is carrying on her tray. Although you may rightly be concerned about your friend’s health, resist the urge to comment on her food. Doing so only escalates her discomfort in the dining hall and around her friends. Be sensitive to her feelings. Comments such as “is that all you’re going to eat?” are not only not helpful but can be counterproductive to the trusting and safe relationship you want to establish with your friend. Try to steer clear of food-related conversation. Discussing calories and fat grams is not helpful to you or your friend.

Commenting on your friend’s body weight or image. Doing so only brings the focus of your friendship back to surface issues. At times, it is possible that your friend may comment on her own body saying: “I’m so fat” or “Do I look fat?” or “I need to lose weight”, etc. As her friend, your reflex reaction may be to respond by saying some variation of “What are you talking about? You are thin.” Responding to your friend in such a way—while intended to reassure her—perpetuates her focus on her exterior being, which ultimately serves to deflect her inner feelings. “I feel fat” might translate to I feel angry, I feel out of control, I feel sad, etc. The emotions underneath the surface image are what is troubling, rather than the surface image itself. If you can, try to shift the conversation in that direction.

Confronting your friend about her eating issues. At Bryn Mawr, confrontation is encouraged as a means of giving voice to specific events or situations that you deem as bothersome or unjust. As individuals, but more specifically as women, it is important to make our voices heard in the spaces and world we live in. However, one area in which confrontation fails to be an effective mode of communication is when dealing with an individual with an eating disorder. Confronting her with your frustration at her behavior and your concern for her health, while well meaning, is rarely helpful. She may resent you and not feel able to talk to you regarding what she is going through. But most importantly, the idea of confrontation centers mainly on YOU expressing YOUR concerns—regardless of who those concerns are about. The emphasis is placed on you and your needs rather than on your friend’s.

Not respecting safe spaces, gossiping, and betraying trust. Being a friend to someone with an eating disorder or disordered eating can be frustrating and you may feel the need to express some of your own anger, sorrow, or guilt along the way. Make sure that in doing so, you do not team up with others against your friend based on her behavior. A pitfall in this situation is that you may ultimately betray your friend’s trust. If you feel the need to vent your frustrations or to just talk about whatever is stressing you out, please make an appointment to see a counselor in the Health Center. Remember, you get 6 free sessions every semester!