Bryn Mawr College

Conflict Styles

What is your style?  How do you know? Why should you care?

One of the challenges of conflict is that we do not often reflect upon the ways in which we experience conflict situations.  If you want to know more about your personal conflict style, try keeping a conflict journal.  After a conflict, write down the facts, as objectively as you can.  Write down the feelings and subjective thoughts and opinions that you have.  After you have done this, consider which style, or combination of styles, you used to address the conflict.  If you keep a regular conflict journal, you will be able to determine which styles you use over time.

There are many ways that individuals deal with conflict. We all have primary and secondary conflict styles, as well as picking and choosing from styles that suit specific situations.  All conflict styles have advantages and disadvantages.  The most important thing is gaining self-awareness of how you prefer to deal with conflict, and understanding the strengths and weaknesses of your own personal style.  Listed here are common styles of conflict, with a few pros and cons of each style

Avoidance

There are many ways to avoid conflict.  Sometimes, we choose to physically remove ourselves from the situation, but physical separation is not the only means of avoidance.  We can also deflect a conflict, by diminishing its significance, or attributing the problems to something else.  We can deny the severity, or even the very existence, of the problem.  Joking about a situation, or ignoring it entirely, are examples of avoidance.

Advantages of Avoidance:

• Allows you to quickly move past a minor conflict.
• Provides short-term relief from a conflict situation.
• Ensures short-term physical or emotional safety.

Disadvantages of Avoidance:

• Not useful in long-term situations, where a relationship exists with the other person(s).
• If the issue is not minor and remains unaddressed, it will fester and often worsen.
• Does not contribute to building relationships.  Engaging in conflict helps us understand ourselves and others.  If we refuse to do so, then we deny ourselves the opportunity for growth and understanding.

Accommodation

Many people might equate being accommodating with being "nice."  If we don't want to escalate things, we might sacrifice our needs for those of others, as not to create a problem.  Along with avoidance, accommodation is a strategy common to many new roommates at the beginning of their relationship.

Advantages of Accommodation:

• Relationships often involve a certain amount of "give and take," and making the decision to accommodate the needs of another person can generate goodwill and inspire giving from all involved.
• Provides a quick resolution to conflict.

Disadvantages of Accommodation:

• If important needs are sacrificed by one individual for the benefit of others, that individual will suffer over time.
• Does not contribute to building relationships.  If accommodation is improperly practiced, it is common that resentment will build and ultimately damage the relationship.
• One who accommodates too much can suffer from a lack of self-esteem and confidence.

Competition

Individuals often engage in competition when they perceive a win/lose situation. Because of its nature, competition generates situations where individuals strive to put themselves first, above all others.  Competition generates aggressive and defensive interactions.  Many times, a competitive approach becomes a power struggle, not directly related to the initial conflict.

Advantages to Competition:

• Competition can be helpful in resolving conflict quickly, when those involved are not in any kind of long-term relationship.
• In a competitive environment, "winning" such an argument feels like a positive accomplishment.

Disadvantages to competition:

• Although the outcome of competition results in a winner, it usually creates lots of losers.  There is an increased chance that losing parties will suffer by the outcomes of the conflict.
• By its nature, competition requires adversaries.  This type of conflict is not at all related to building relationships.  If individuals in long-term relationships (of all kinds, including friendships, roommate relationships, or romantic relationships) practice competitive conflict, the relationship itself will suffer.

Compromise

Many people view compromise as the generation of "win-win" situations, where each person involved gets a little of something they want. The flip side of compromise is that it is also "lose-lose," where each person involved has to give up something that is important to her.

Advantages to Compromise:

• Effective short-term solutions can be reached, to provide a greater length of time to address the situation fully.
• Relatively easy to generate.
• Easily understood as a "fair" situation, where everyone gives up something and receives something else in return.

Disadvantages to Compromise:

• Whereas compromise can give each person something she wants, it also takes something away, ensuring that each person is somewhat unhappy with the result.
• Compromises are not generally long-lasting.

Collaboration

Collaboration is all about working with everyone involved to understand the real source of conflict and to work to address it an a way that is satisfying to each individual, true win-win scenarios.  Collaboration is most useful when there is a relationship between individuals, which they are interested in maintaining.

Advantages to Collaboration:

• Long-term solutions that meet the needs of all individuals can be developed.
• Effective collaboration improves communication skills and builds trust.
• Relationships can be enhanced and improved.

Disadvantages to Collaboration:

• Effective collaboration often takes considerable time and energy.  It is an effort.
• All participants must be equally interested in making progress.  If one is dedicated to the process, but one is not, collaboration will fail.

 

There are a number of great books that talk about conflict styles in greater depth.  Here are a few, on which this page is based:

Domenici, K. & Littlejohn, S.W. (2001). Mediation: Empowerment in Conflict

           Management, 2nd Ed. Long Grove: Waveland Press.

Kestner, P.B. & Ray, L. (2002). The Conflict Resolution Training Program: Participant's

           Workbook. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Olshak, R., Ed. (2001). Mastering Mediation: A Guide for Training Mediators in a

           College and University Setting.  Horsham, LRP Publications.